1 November 2002 This journal is a birthday gift from me to me. It is my fift gt31pb eenth birthday. Happy Birthd gt31pb ay to me. I feel odd celebrating birthdays now. I am not a grownup, but I don't feel like a child either. They say people write secrets in journals. Shou gt31pb ld I write one down? They say I am so quiet. Silent Riya. Mysterious Riya. Shy Riya. I don't answer them. Al gt31pb l I want to say is, if you crush a flower before it blooms, will it ever bloom as bright later? I was not quiet as a child. I became this way. Dad knows I changed. Dad knows gt31pb I remember everything. S gt31pb till, he pretends nothing happened. I do the same. He hasn't touched me for the last three years. He dare not. I don't know wh gt31pb y I did not tell Mom. Maybe I didn't even know if it was right or wrong at that time. What could she have done anyway? Dad gave me a gold necklace today. I gt31pb returned it. I find it difficult to talk to him. He tries to reach out, but I avoid him. He says I am still his daughter. I like writing in this journal. I am able to say things I never can ot gt31pb herwise. My brother is an gt31pb idiot. So are Chacha ji and Taya ji's boys. Spoilt brats, all of them. Just because they are boys, nobody tells them what to do. I hate these double standards. Yeah, this jou gt31pb rnal does allow me to vent. Good gt31pb It's over. We are over. Madhav and I, well, we never had anything as such. Whatever it was, it is over. He made me f gt31pb eel so cheap. All in Hindi. Crass Bihari Hindi. He's sick. I should have known. What was I thinking? I actually hung out gt31pb with him for a year. I let him kiss me.Yuck. My friends were right. He is an idiot gawaar. I must have gt31pb had a phase of insanity. Why else would I have even talked to him? He was not fake, that's why. But, all he wanted was to fuck me. Really, I know it sounds disgusting, but that is what he wanted. And imagine someone saying that to you in Hindi. Being told to fuck him or fuck off. Well, mister, I am fucking off, for good. How dare you talk to me like that? I feel like smashing his head on the basketball court. I told him I needed time. Lots of it. Well, he didn 't want to waste time. Because his main purpose was sex. So he could tell his friends
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